He got bum advice, shoulda got a Heckler & Koch instead.

This morning, I decided to set aside my pseudo-regular blog column, and give way to the persistent pressure from my favorite Mafia character to say his piece about a certain public scandal that happened last Friday involving a fast car, a high-powered gun, and a Palace biggie. (Don’t these three always go together nowadays? LOL.)

Bene, Don Llamas. I never thought you were a bad Consigliari. You are part of the Family, don’t you ever forget that. We’ve been through some pretty tight situations in the past, remember? But my friend, let me tell you flat in the face: you got yousself some bum advice, getting an AK for your personal security, and then allowing it to just lie around like that inside your SUV.

An AK-47 is powerful alright, my friend, but as an infantry offensive weapon. It weighs 4.22 kg—almost a kilo heavier than the M4, the M16’s most current iteration—and 94.3 cm in length, almost a tenth of a meter longer. So when you get unlucky and find yourself ambushed, whether inside your car, or going in or coming out of your car, Don Llamas, you cannot, repeat, you cannot quickly maneuver that big toy of yours to fire back in time to save your pretty skin.

An AK is simply not designed for personal security, my friend, unless what you actually need is a personal security blanket, something to impress or threaten other people with so you can feel more self-assured. You or your close-in bodyguards will have to be forever carrying it everywhere to secure and cover your every movement. You will be at a disadvantage with an AK, especially in rude close-quarters fighting inside a bistro, or a hotel suite, or at the casino parking lot. This is apart from the additional drawback of having to carry it in public, which will make you look like a hated warlord’s top henchman. Let me tell you now: It won’t project a very good public image for a Palace official.

In short, whoever told you to get a Russki rifle for self-protection doesn’t know shot from sh*t. I already said it earlier, but I’ll say it again so that it will stay a while longer inside your pretty little noggin: You got yourself some bum advice there, my friend.

But don’t let that get you down, Consigliari. Here, let me show you some nice pieces from my personal arsenal, just to give you an idea of what a REAL personal security weapon looks like.

This one, for example, is a Heckler & Koch MP5K. Ain’t she a beauty? Don’t let her small size deceive you, she’s got some serious firepower packed inside those sensual curves. Very mobile and maneuverable in sticky situations, especially when you got something to hide. Designed exactly for your needs, amico mio. Easy to hide under your coat, or in the glove compartment of your SUV, or in an innocent-looking laptop bag.

And, man, look at that rate of fire: 900 rounds per minute. That’s a wonderful 15 rounds per second. A gentle press on the trigger, a slight swing of your arms in the right direction, imagine you’re just dancing castanets with a lusty signorina, and waddya know, a second later, your hapless target is literally sawn in half. Capite?

This is what you need against the assorted terrorist types who are making your work too difficult, Don Llamas. Good for target practice, too. It has a reassuringly gentle recoil that massages your shooting hand, say, on your days off when you can relax and shoot a couple of 30-round mags with me at the firing range. Just to remind everyone of what makes the Big Boss a real boss, you know…

And it’s not very expensive too, by the way. I’m sure your office can afford a dozen of these for you and your security. I will be truly saddened if something bad happens to you just because you did not avail of this baby’s good services. So when do you want them delivered? Tomorrow? Complete with registration and permit to carry? Consider it done, amico mio.

Ciao.

Don Benigno